A Beginner’s Guide To Cinematic Adventures

Today we are going to address something of vital importance, kiddos.

Movies.

What, you may ask yourself, makes a good movie? The answer is simple. Costumes. Yup, you heard me. Costumes. Anything where people dress up is awesome. Historical, space or super heroes; it’s more or less the same to me. If it’s based on a comic book or they poke each other with swords, BIG BONUS.

There are, however, exceptions to this rule. For example, it might involve blue radioactive geniuses with tiny g-strings and Hallelujah being played during a sex scene, both things which are listed in the 1987 International Convention of Things That Are Outlawed Because They Are Basically Foul And Possibly An Abomination. Not even costumes can save that hot mess. Also, I don’t like movies that make a mockery of kick-ass Greeks by pitting them against what looks like the 1994 Self-Destruct Tour entourage. But apart from those exceptions, it’s a fool proof rule:

Costumes + Swords + Comic books = Teh Awesome.

(if it has neither, but it does involve Bruce Lee, it usually gets a pass too).

Bad movies are anything that involves Nicholas Cage, the premise of “Oops, I have to many shoes because I have no man” or cruel and unusual punishment inflicted on fluffy bunnies, even if said cruelty is imposed on them by other fluffy bunnies. Heck, especially then. Also, if the movie’s basic plot is that the world is ending either because of aliens or climate changes, you don’t want to see it. Trust me. The Apocalypse needs to involve angels and demons and possibly the Four Horsemen to be cool  (a little semi-nekkid male flesh to go with the brimstone usually pushes the rating up about 1.2 points for me as well).

And finally, remember that if it says “Ingemar Bergman” on the cover, you will want to check that it has Max von Sydow and Death playing chess in it, or it’s no good. Even if it has a cool name like “The Hour of the Wolf.”

Did I forget anything important?