Today we are going to address something of vital importance, kiddos.
Movies.
What, you may ask yourself, makes a good movie? The answer is simple. Costumes. Yup, you heard me. Costumes. Anything where people dress up is awesome. Historical, space or super heroes; it’s more or less the same to me. If it’s based on a comic book or they poke each other with swords, BIG BONUS.
There are, however, exceptions to this rule. For example, it might involve blue radioactive geniuses with tiny g-strings and Hallelujah being played during a sex scene, both things which are listed in the 1987 International Convention of Things That Are Outlawed Because They Are Basically Foul And Possibly An Abomination. Not even costumes can save that hot mess. Also, I don’t like movies that make a mockery of kick-ass Greeks by pitting them against what looks like the 1994 Self-Destruct Tour entourage. But apart from those exceptions, it’s a fool proof rule:
Costumes + Swords + Comic books = Teh Awesome.
(if it has neither, but it does involve Bruce Lee, it usually gets a pass too).
Bad movies are anything that involves Nicholas Cage, the premise of “Oops, I have to many shoes because I have no man” or cruel and unusual punishment inflicted on fluffy bunnies, even if said cruelty is imposed on them by other fluffy bunnies. Heck, especially then. Also, if the movie’s basic plot is that the world is ending either because of aliens or climate changes, you don’t want to see it. Trust me. The Apocalypse needs to involve angels and demons and possibly the Four Horsemen to be cool (a little semi-nekkid male flesh to go with the brimstone usually pushes the rating up about 1.2 points for me as well).
And finally, remember that if it says “Ingemar Bergman” on the cover, you will want to check that it has Max von Sydow and Death playing chess in it, or it’s no good. Even if it has a cool name like “The Hour of the Wolf.”
Did I forget anything important?
During the late teens of the last century, no girl was more beautiful or more celebrated than Olive Thomas. Painted by Vargas, married to Jack Pickford and the girl who gave the flapper a face, Olive Thomas wasn’t just The Most Beautiful Girl in New York (a title which she won in 1914), she was a rising Hollywood star and the world was her oyster.
Then one night in the early fall of 1920, she and her husband were out doing the rounds of Montparnasse, toasting and, it’s been said, doing more than just a little nose powder. Upon returning to their hotel she, for unknown reasons, managed to imbibe her husband’s syphilis medicine (a mercury bichloride solution) and despite the efforts that were made to save her, she died on Sep 10th, 1920, only 26 years old. Today, hardly anyone remembers her name.
“I think that you die when your time comes and not until then. I feel the same about other things as I do about death. I don’t think you can change anything that is going to happen to you any more than you can change anything that has happened to you. That’s why I never worry, and that is why I don’t think people should get conceited and think themselves better than others.”/ Olive Thomas on death in June 1919
PS. The moral of the story? Stay away from men with syphilis, I guess…
If I were to list my top 13 favorite movies, this list might look different. Still, considering these are all movies I know the dialogue of almost by heart, I suppose I must have seen them a lot of times. For some reason.
1. Lord Of The Rings. This would be the whole trilogy as I can’t distinguish between them. I’m not ashamed of this one. I’ve loved Tolkien since I was eight and sneak-read Lord of the Rings when my sister picked them up at the library. Typical quote: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.“
2. Fletch. Wee-eell, I have to blame this one on my ex who forced me to see this about 4,000 zillion times. Not that there aren’t good and useful lines in it. Typical quote: “Alan: You’ll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves? Fletch: I rent ‘em. I have a lease with an option to buy.”
3. Romancing the Stone. Do I need to justify this? The opening sequence is awesome. Plus, it taught me Cartagena is in Colombia. Typical quote: “Now I ain’t cheap, but I can be had.“
4. The Breakfast Club. Yes, I was a teenager in the 80’s. There’s just no getting around The Breakfast Club if you were. “You’re an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you’re a liar too.“
5. Highlander. OK, OK. This is also because of my ex. Funny thing is, I can hardly recall the plot, but I still know half the dialogue by heart. Typical quote: “I took his head and raped his woman before his blood was even cold.“
6. Adam’s Rib. This is my favorite movie. The. Favorite. With a capital F. I could go on for hours about its outstanding awesomeness but I won’t. I’ll just say: SEE IT if you haven’t. Typical quote: “Amanda: And after you shot your husband… how did you feel? Mrs. Attinger: Hungry!“
7. Star Wars. Yes, it’s the curse and sign of geeks everywhere that they know most of Star Wars by heart. We use it to locate each other in bars. Typical quote: “When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master.“
8. Grease. My little sister loved this. She watched this every afternoon for two years, I swear. Typical quote: “You know, if we fix up this car, it could be make-out city.“
9. Army of Darkness. I’m a dork. What can I say? I love this movie more than words can say and in terms of quotes it’s the best. Tyical quote: “Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts? Ash: Nope. Just me baby… Just me.“
10. Top Gun. I blame this on youthful folly. And the volleyball scene. Yeah, the volleyball scene… *sigh* Anyway, typical quote: “I feel the need… The need for speed!“
11. The Mummy. It’s so adorably cheesy. I love this! Plus it features a librarian heroine and contains eons of Egyptian historical inaccuracies, so what’s not to love? Typical quote: “You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance!“
12. Working Girl. 80’s power suits FTW! Typical quote: “I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?“
13. Constantine. Yeah, I love this. It has Keanu Reeves being really, really good for once; it has demons and angels; it has exorcism and Rachel Weisz – and it has super-fab low key sexual tension between the MC:s. The only thing I don’t like is Peter Stormare at the end. Overdoing it by the dozen. Typical quote: “You are going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15 and you’re going to go to hell because of the life you took. You’re f****d.“
I wish someone would make a movie with this soundtrack. I don’t know exactly what it’d be about, but I’m pretty sure it would be beautiful and all shades of wonderful.
- Ca Plane Pour Moi – Plastic Bertrands
- Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
- Aphrodisiac – Bow Wow Wow
- Whatever Happened – The Strokes
- Is It Wicked No To Care? – Belle & Sebastian
- Rockers To Swallow – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Good Morning Britain – Aztec Camera
- There She Goes – The La’s
- Baby, I Don’t Care – Transvision Vamp
- I Don’t Like Mondays - Tori Amos
- Weapon Of Choice – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
- Veronica Fever - The Raveonettes
- Bastards Of Young – The Replacements
Image by angelsk